Hell Note
by Weenie and the Butt
Summary: Light has been feeling paranoid and has good reason to when Ren and Hone Onna begin to follow him after someone attempts to enter his name. Problems arise when they discover he has a death note. R&R AU.


Placing his thumb to his bottom lip, L sighed quietly.

"Are you listening to me?" His lover demanded, slamming his fist against the wooden table.

"I always listen to Light-kun." L mumbled, tearing open a few sugars and dumping them into his coffee. "Did the waitress come back yet? I'm hungry."

"Really? Do you see any food on this table? You know what, just forget it." Light grumbled bitterly, slouching further in the booth. "But I still feel like someone's watching me." The auburn-haired male turned around slowly, glancing around the cafe. There wasn't anyone particularly malicious looking: an older gentleman with his toddler, a young couple, a group of raunchy college students, and a lone woman examining the menu. His eyes lingered on the woman for a while, but as L shifted uncomfortably in his seat, he returned his gaze to his friend. Their eyes met for a brief moment, but L quickly turned away, staring hopefully at the kitchen. _'Figures. I should have expected that food would be the only thing on his mind. It's all he thinks about, even when we were in the middle of--'_ His thoughts were interrupted as a waiter approached, calmly sliding their food over to each of them. Though Light stuck to plain fries, the waiter served plate after plate of sugary sweets to the detective.

The waiter smiled kindly and leaned closer to L, resting his hand on the edge of the table. "You really like sweets, don't you? They say the more sweets you eat, the sweeter _you _become." He brushed a strand of his black hair from his eyes, his green eyes shining peculiarly in the light.

L smiled in return, dragging his finger across the frosting of one of his cakes. "Where did you hear that?" The detective asked, delicately suckling on the tip of his finger.

"Oh nowhere, I just made it up." The waiter laughed, tucking the empty tray under his arm. "Stay sweet though, and try not to be around too many _sour_ grapes." He said confidently, his eyes meeting Light's before he moved on to the next table. Light glared at the waiter as he approached the woman he noticed earlier, a lightbulb going off in his head, then burning out just as quickly.

"Can you believe the nerve of that guy? What's with you, sucking on your finger like that? And how dare he imply I'm a sour grape!" The eighteen-year-old grumbled bitterly, he dug his hand into the basket of fries. L stared at the teenager for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders again, then held up a finger to make a point.

L lifted his head from his cake and raised an eyebrow, twisting his fork between his fingers. "Light-kun, are you _jealous?"_

Stuffing a fry into his mouth, Light wrinkled his eyebrows and glared at the detective. "Shut up and eat your cake."

- - - -

As the afternoon turned into the evening, the customers in the cafe became sparse and scattered. The woman from earlier that morning, however, remained seated in her booth. Isolated, she shifted through the menu continuously, as if it were a magazine. She would slowly read it from cover to cover, then would start over once more, more and more interested each time. The male waiter approached her and smirked, raising an eyebrow as he surveyed her. "Hungry, Hone Onna?" The waiter asked, loosening the bowtie he was required to wear. The woman glanced up from her menu and scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? That's just what I need, to get fat." She laughed bitterly, closing the menu, slamming it down onto the table. "Can we go now?" She asked, tossing her hair promptly.

"Hone Onna, are you sure you don't want one of those cakes?" The male kept pushing, "Maybe then your belly would distract people from your wrinkles." The waiter laughed, adjusting his straight, dark hair. He seemed quite impressed with his wit, purposely picking at his comrade's insecurities.

The woman, identified as Hone Onna, clenched her fists as her cheeks flushed red with anger. "Well, you'd think that as a sword, you'd be more durable in bed! I can't imagine the kind of katana you made, you can hardly last five minutes!" Though the woman seemed upset, she took a deep breath and calmed herself, shaking her head. "Let's just go, Ren. I'm sure Wanyudo is anxious to hear what we've found."

Ren only laughed as Hone Onna attempted to insult him, as he knew from experience that she had no problems with anything in _that department. _"I'm sure he won't be pleased to know that we haven't learned much. All we know so far is that the brunette can get pretty jealous." He said thoughtfully.

"Actually, I'd classify his hair as auburn," Hone Onna chimed in, then got to her feet slowly. "Just try not to get involved too much; we don't want to go blowing our cover, do we?" She teased warningly, touching her finger to his lips. Ren twisted his head away slowly, wrapping an arm around the woman's shoulder before guiding her towards the door.

"Have we ever? And I won't do much, just some snooping." He assured his comrade, his hand sliding down to wrap around her waist. "You know I was only joking about you looking old," he began, tugging her closer as they walked. "You don't look older than one hundred!"

"Ren Ichimoku, were you not dead, I would have put your name in the website one hundred years ago!" She fumed, then lowered her head to chuckle. "Well, you're decent in bed, though you could last a little longer..." She taunted, lightly elbowing him in the ribs. Ren slowly began to run his hand down Hone Onna's hip, his fingers teasing the corner of her short dress. "Ren--" The Bone Woman started, her tongue grazing her soft lips as his hand drew closer to her inner-thighs. "Stop!"

Ren withdrew his hand and shrugged, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Jeez, you don't have to yell. You can't expect me to just take your insults like a weak little human, y'know! Besides, I'm not really in the mood anyway. Check out these pants, no tents here!" He smiled, pausing to exhibit the pants in question.

"Mhm, I see. If we had time, I would jump your bones right here and now. Get it? Get it?" She nudged him with her elbow again, leaning up against him tauntingly. "But we don't, we'll get to that later, once everything is done." She assured him, linking her arm with his, mimicking a traditional couple. She touched his hand fondly, though the way she glanced around the street implied the lack of romantic interest between them. "Turn here, this is where Wanyudo wanted to meet us." She said quickly, leaning in to the left as they walked.

Ren swerved into the alley to the left, releasing himself from Hone Onna's grip as they moved out of the public eye. Leaning against the wall, Ren yawned, crossing his arms over his chest. "You'd better make yourself comfortable, Hone Onna, it looks like he's going to be a little late." He said calmly, surveying his comrade with a smirk.

Hone Onna scoffed, brushing imaginary dirt from her dress. "Are you kidding? Even looking at this dump makes me feel dirty. Do you know how long it took me to manifest this dress just right?" She argued, tracing her fingers across her toned, curvy figure. "No human could perfect the sort of clothes that I wear; were we ever to become human, I'd make a killing as a fashion designer!" She laughed, as if becoming human was an unimaginable idea. Her dress tightly hugged her figure, accentuating her thin waistline and her large bust. The Bone Woman sighed, allowing her fingers to glide through her thick, black hair. "I'm sure Wanyudo is close, he's always the punctual one." She said, turning her head as a figure slipped into the alleyway behind them.

"Finally!" Ren let out an exasperated groan, giving the impression that they had been waiting for hours. Their comrade appeared haggard and tired, more-so than usual, and seemed unwilling to hear of any complaints. Ren quickly silenced himself and looked down, respectfully avoiding the eyes of the elder spirit. "Did something delay you?" He asked after a long pause, glancing back at Wanyudo.

"You could say that," the old man grumbled, adjusting his red scarf. "I was checking out the person who keeps putting the name into the website. He's definitely a simple-minded human, but you'd be surprised how hard he is to track down." Wanyudo was clearly frustrated, lightly pacing back and forth as he thought. "But if he actually _does _submit Light Yagami's name into the website, we may have more problems on our hands than usual."

Both Hone Onna and Ren looked at Wanyudo with a puzzled glance, "Why?" They both asked simultaneously, then looked at each other to glare. Turning their attention back to Wanyudo, he sighed and lowered his head in frustration.

"It seems that Light Yagami is in possession of a Death Note."


End file.
